SeeingEyeBlog

The good news is that Arnold Schwarzenegger is paying for a new catalytic converter for $375. The bad news is that I also need a starter, which will cost me $300. With the $100 co-pay for the catalytic converter, Arnold comes out on top, but he’s stronger than me anyway, so I figured it would be like that.

The game-show host has promised me the work will be done by the end of the day today, and he made me feel really good by saying in his game-show voice, “Dude, I’m king of the castle, mm-kay. I don’t screw around, I fix cars.” Hearing him make a caricature of himself was worth the money I’m giving him.

My papers came yesterday from the California Bureau of Automotive Repair, authorizing $500 worth of free smog repairs to my 93 Jeep Grand Cherokee. The arrival of the approval letter coincided with my engine again acting insubordinantly, refusing to start.

So after three days of sitting parallel parked, it was tonight’s task to wait for nightfall and raise the dead. Luckily I live only a half mile from the auto repair shop, so rather than call AAA to tow me, I decided to incur a bodily oxygen debt moving it myself.

It was a testament to life in Los Angeles, that when I was taking up the whole street attempting an engineless three-point turn, someone in an SUV was waiting for me to clear the way so s/he could take my parking spot. I’m sure it didn’t occur to them to ask if I needed help, because they were busy recounting the unusual scene to whoever was on the other end of their cell phone.

But the next person who came was a Good Samaritan, named Henry. But he was in an economy car, and a bumper-to-bumper push failed because of the height differentials of our bumpers. He eventually parked and helped me push.

I was amazed how much easier it was to push the car tonight compared to the first night. My guess is that I was pushing slightly uphill the first time. It makes sense because that’s the direction the flood control channels are, and they lead straight to the Pacific Ocean, via Marina Del Rey. Although, I like to think the easier pushing was due to my heightened stamina because of all the biking I’ve had to do the last few days (and will continue to do until the Jeep is out of surgery).

A phone call from the repair shop roused me from my fermented slumber (see previous post), and I listened groggily as he told me in his game show host voice that they charge a flat 2-hour labor fee to take out an alarm system. Around $162.

I was unhappy until his next sentence, when he told me I was qualified under the California Consumer Assistance Program to receive up to $500 in free diagnosis and repair regarding my failed smog test. I guess I’m getting a government hand-out which I usually don’t take, but hearing it from this particular repair guy made it sound like I won a game show. Having never won a game show, I’ll take the hand out.

It’s 11:15pm and I’m pulling pieces from my triangular wedge of Brie cheese like pulling teeth from an albino alligator. Along with sipping a particularly strong barleywine, it’s all I can do to keep myself from taking a baseball bat to some poor random inanimate object. Apparently today I was standing downwind of the fan. I’ve had a run of bad luck, but rather than sound like a country song, I’ll limit myself to articulating the straw that put me over the edge.

Today I went to work like any other day. I was doing a shoot for Major League Baseball, and I was having a great time (other than splitting my thumbnail from my thumb while setting up). Really, it was a good shoot, and I was working with some good people.

When we were done, the east-coast producer bought me lunch in exchange for some time-saving directions to her next shoot. We stopped and ate, building bridges for 15 minutes. Then when it was time to leave, I get in my car, turned the key and….please insert another 25 cents.

It didn’t even try to turn over. Something was locking out the starter completely. The battery was fine, and everything was running great 15 minutes ago. What could possibly have changed in that time?

Just then, (being parked near a Jiffy Lube), a ‘trusty mechanic’ came strutting over, heading straight for my battery terminals and disconnecting the positive. Had I been faster, I would have stopped him and told him that anytime the battery is disconnected and reconnected, the alarm system arms itself with no way to disarm it, save one dubious remedy known only to certain Mexican mechanics who reset the alarm the last time it was in for service, but couldn’t tell me how to do it myself (what a curious thing, that language barrier).

Anyway, this guy grabs my battery and disconnects it. Inside I could wash my windshield with him, but I politely ask, “Whaddya think?”
“Oh, you sometimes have to clean the terminals, you know on the battery.”
“Yeah, but the battery was fine 15 minutes ago.”
After spraying some handy aresol foam, “Ok go ahead and start her up.”

Just as I thought, a deluge of sound suitable for a torture victim in a Chinese prison. “Thanks for your help, but it looks like my alarm is locking out my engine.”
“Oh yeah, well it must be your alarm then, not the battery. Yeah, I’m sure that’s what it is.”

I kept his number just in case I needed to tap into his deductive reasoning skills in the future. I thanked him for his help, and smiled as he walked away. My smile faded as his whistling did, and I was left with the realization that he created a much bigger problem than I had 2 minutes ago.

But engine trouble wasn’t the least of my worries. I had a quarter million dollars in gear stowed in the back of my car, ready to be had by any moron who wanted it. I had to get it safe and worry about my car later. The producer, who luckily stayed with me, offered to bring the gear back to my place in her rented SUV. So we went ahead and re-packed the gear and headed back to my house.

Thank God I own a bike. After she dropped me off with the gear, it was time to search the web and try to find a remedy for my problem. My search came up fruitless, and after biking 6 miles back to the car, so did my wits. I couldn’t figure out the problem. Usually when your alarm goes off for the wrong reason, you just get out, stick the key in the door, and unlock the door with the key. Well, no dice with my car. It continued screaming rape in its high pitched voice, with all eyes on me. I disconnected and reconnected that bloody battery cable about a hundred times, each time with a different idea of how to disarm the alarm (I didnt’ receive a keyless entry keychain thingy when I bought the car).

After a violent emotional outburst remeniscient of a banshee, I called AAA. The tow guy came out and gave it his college try, but couldn’t make her purr either. She just squealed like someone faking an orgasm. 2 hours later she was still faking it, so we towed her back to a garage near my place.

At this point I was ready to take a bazooka or a tommy gun to this four-wheeled piece of crap. My entire afternoon was spent trying to undo the situation the good (but rash) Samaritan created in 15 seconds.

In the words of Walter of The Big Lebowski, “Ahh, f*** it dude, let’s go bowlin’.” That’s what I’d like to say, but alas, this is real life, and I have to wake up at 7:30 tomorrow to explain to the auto shop why my car is sitting in their garage with nothing wrong with it.

My albino alligator cheese wedge has now lost all its teeth, and is in the trash. My barleywine is in my stomach, having relocated to my brain, and I can no longer write coherently. I shall retire directly.

What is the point of having three different types of CA smog check facilities? There are Smog Test & Repair Centers, Test-Only Smog Centers, and Gold Sheild/CAP Stations.

My DMV renewal papers mandated I use a Test-Only. So today I took my 93 Jeep Grand Cherokee to a Test-Only Smog Center and failed. I thought I might fail, but was glad I only needed to test, and so I could wait two years for the next smog check before I had to repair. But the technician told me that I have to now take the car to a Test & Repair station to $diagnose$ the problem and then $fix$ the problem. Of course they don’t guarantee the car will pass smog after the $repairs$ are complete. But Test-Only center will give a free retest after the repairs are completed. It was overpriced anyway. When I pass, I’m looking forward to the $10 fee for the smog station to transmit the results to the DMV. Why do I suspect that I’ll be charged to $diagnose$ and $fix$ problems that won’t affect the outcome of the test?

Test-only stations supposedly use more accurate testing equipment than regular Test & Repair stations. But why create a new type of station that has to throw its hands up in the air when someone fails a smog? I like to think that Test-Only stations are the brainchild of some idiot in the California Bureau of Automotive Repair, who is proud of such a monumental achievement. I wonder if he drives a car that would ever fail a smog check? I don’t think so.